Don’t abuse positions of power to blame women for speaking up

There are some real shitheads out there, but recently it’s been like there are a bunch of men vying for the title of 2018’s most massive douche.

I guess that’s not so different to any other year, but it’s the outright hypocrisy of the current contenders that’s doing my head in.

The two I want to point out today are Brett Kavanaugh and Lindsay Graham. Check out what The Washington Post has to say about them.

Seriously, fuck those two in particular.


It’s so utterly revolting watching this pair rant and rave in an effort to avoid allowing the investigation of the credible claims of an accomplished woman who is very clearly uncomfortable to be under the eyes of the world but is drawing upon all her courage to speak up anyway.

The entitlement. The selfishness. The hypocrisy. It’s astonishing.

What sort of judge is not the first to request an investigation into a suspected crime? I’ll tell you… a dodgey judge; A biased judge; an untrustworthy judge.

And what sort of politician tries to force through a judge who wants to avoid an investigation into credible accusations? I’ll tell you that too… a politician who doesn’t give a shit about due process or what is right; an untrustworthy politician; a politician who is more interested in grasping the opportunity to bias the highest court in the land than he is in ensuring that court is legitimate.

I was so happy to see the outrage in response to this hearing and learn that the two women who confronted Flake in that elevator got their wish and an FBI investigation will now be completed.

Fit the sake of women everywhere, let’s hope Kavanaugh never gets near that Supreme Court seat.

Massive douche tip: get your head out of your rich, entitled ass

Mark Hyman – Snowflakes

Check this out.

First off, let’s not pretend My Hyman is doing anything more than being a provocateur with this nonsense. Still, he’s on the friggin news, and regardless of his true purpose, he’s still the one spitting out his poorly thought out insults.

What Mr Hyman is doing in this video is called generalising. He has observed, or more likely been informed of, certain behaviours that he disagrees with. He has then associated those behaviours with… an entire generation… and… ‘certain students’ and ‘social justice warriors’.

Generalisation is a form of judging people before knowing them. In other words, he is pre-judgining them… see where I’m going with this? Yep, he is essentially spouting prejudices as if they are truths.

That’s a shitty move. If you don’t want to be considered a massive douche, you should avoid that sort of thing. The reason you should avoid it is quite simple, it’s because when you paint with a broad brush it’s impossible to be accurate.

Sure, there are individuals who are fighting for social justice and going too far with their demands. There are also individuals out there who agree entirely with the concepts of social justice but have a completely reasonable attitude about the whole thing, and are simply trying to improve society by trying to minimise the harm people do to each other.

For example, Mr Hyman mocks concepts like ‘safe spaces’ and ‘trigger warnings’ as if they’re nonsensical garbage.

Look at it this way, every single one of us has some sort of horrible memory of something that we don’t like to think about. For the lucky majority, if that thing is brought up, we might cringe, or feel sad, or whatever, but for those amongst us who have more severe reactions like panick attacks, or bursting into tears, or being taken right back into that moment of the worst thing that has ever happened to you in your life.

What most ‘social justice warriors’ are asking for, is simply that if you’re presenting content that contains things that might cause these really intense reactions, that you offer a heads-up. I guess it costs us all a couple of seconds but is that really such a huge imposition?

Why can’t Mr Hyman “deal with it” and consider the fact that there might have been some thought behind the concept?

One second he’s complaining about the NSFW videos “this generation” is making because they’re crude and rude, and the next he’s lamenting the fact that their efforts to encourage the courtesy of warning people that some certain content not be to their taste. It would appear Mr Hyman thinks ‘this generation’ is too impolite and too polite at the same time.

But… there’s been a rating system in place for like 40 years now that helps people decide what is and isn’t suitable for certain audiences. There’s also been mass outrage when something has been broadcast that people found offensive. I don’t see how anyone could reasonably blame “this generation” for following on from that concept.

He also suggests that the only safe space you should have at your university is your dorm. Well, fuck me, I thought America fought wars to preserve a way of life, and part of that way of life was about feeling safe from attack?

If you went to a night class to learn cooking or something and the entire class yelled political beliefs at you the whole time, do you think you’d want to go back? If you extend that single class to years of your life, and you consider the fact that most of those students are not only paying to be there, but will be paying off the right to be there for decades to come, maybe they have purchased the right not to feel under attack?


Learning institutions are for attacking ideas, not individuals. If someone can’t handle having a notion challenged, that’s one thing, but that’s very different from allowing speakers who spit hate speach on behalf of known violent and racist groups.

And to me, these are the points that are making Mark Hyman sound like a massive douche. He sounds like a person with blinkers on, like he can’t comprehend that his perspective is not the only perspective.

To be fair, I’m sure that growing up with the last name Hyman helps you develop a thick skin, possibly even a sort of barrier that prevents you from being penetrated by hard things, but that doesn’t give him the right to assume that nobody else would benefit from some forms of protection that he doesn’t personally believe in.

Anyway, don’t act like Mark Hyman if you don’t want a significant portion of the western world to think you’re a massive douch.

Shit Psychology

I’m not a psychologist in any way, shape, or form, but I’ve read some books here and there and I enjoy contemplating the way the human mind works.

A lot of people refer to their problems as their shit and got to thinking about why that is. I started imagining emotional issues as actual shit on people, and thus the theory of Shit Psychology was born.


Here’s a little story to illustrate my theory.

A shit story

Imagine a little kid at a farm having a good time being a kid. Then the kid’s stepfather pushes him into the pig pen and laughs as the poor kids slips around on the ground amongst all that shit. The kid cries. His stepfather laughs and laughs. Bad situation all round.

A shitty situation

The kid didn’t like what just happened at all and wants to remove all evidence of the experience, but there aren’t any showers or baths in this fictional place, so the kid wipes off what he can and has to settle for that being enough. Unfortunately the kid now stinks of shit and, despite his best efforts, there’s still quite a bit of shit all over him, especially in the areas he can’t reach or see.

The kid goes to school and tries to act normal but all the other kids are steering clear of him because he smells so badly. When he tries go near his mates and they walk away he asks what’s wrong, they tell him they can see that he’s got shit all over him and they can’t stand the smell.

This poor kid can’t do anything about the situation so he lies, telling them it’s just normal dirt and it doesn’t even smell that bad. His friend’s senses are more believable than his lies, so they leave anyway.

Shitty friends

Within a few days he’s used to the smell and  doesn’t notice anymore. He starts to see the shit as part of who he is. In some ways he’s even proud that he hasn’t just given up on life because of the shit that was put on him. He sees it as evidence of his bravery to overcome tough shituations.

He starts to make new friends. These new friends aren’t as judgemental as his old friends. A lot of his new friends have a lot of dirty marks just like his but they assure him it’s definitely not shit, and they don’t question him when he asserts that his marks are only mud stains.

His new friends are different to his old friends in a lot of ways. When he walks through town with his new freinds, people practically run to get out of their way.

Shitty behaviour

His new friends also have a weird thing where they like to throw dog shit at people. They’ll  grab all the shit from the dog shit bins at local parks and find some kids walking by themselves and bombard them with all that dogshit. His new friend’s hands get more and more covered in shit in the process but they can’t seem to help themselves from doing it.

Eventually our protagonist starts to participate in this shit show. He knows it’s not nice but he finds there’s something satisfying about seeing someone else go from completely clean to being covered in just as much shit as he is. He convinces himself it’s not so bad anyway, you get used to the smell after a while and really it just makes his targets stronger in the long run.

Despite his efforts to convince himself it’s alright, he always feels bad about it afterwards. He wakes up in the middle of the night thinking about it sometimes.

Shit rolls down hill

The kid grows into a man, he gets involved with a woman from his group of shitty friends and they convince each other there’s nothing wrong with being covered in shit. She acts really weird sometimes, but so does he, so they put up with each other and their shitty behaviour because they’re sure that everyone else is just as shitty as they are.

Neither of them are really happy though, so they catch themselves looking at other people. Eventually his girlfriend catches him with another woman and ends things.

He doesn’t mind though, because he likes this other woman more. His mistress has her own shit, and has a kid as well. He notices that even the kid has some shit too, so he feels like he fits with them and he’s willing to put up with the kid in order to be with her, so he moves in with his mistress.

He has a great time with her, but that damned kid is more of a chore than he could ever have imagined. He starts to resent that kid immensely, but he’s so attracted to the kids mother, that he marries her anyway.

A shitty cycle

One day his wife tells him they’re all going to a farm to teach the kid about the animals. He begrudgingly  participates in their little field trip, knowing that if he doesn’t go, she’ll get angry at him and he won’t get any that night.

While they’re walking around the farm, and he’s hating every minute of it, his wife has to go to the toilet. His now step-kid looks so happy there, playing with the piglets in front of that pig pen.

He notices that his step kid has got hardly any shit on him. Compared to his mother and step-father, he’s almost clean. Without even thinking about it he kicks that little kid right into the pig pen, watching him land face first and come up screaming with a mouthful of pig shit.

He laughs and laughs at that stupid little kid as he slips around in the shit.

Washed up

That little kid climbs out of the pig pen as his mother returns from the toilet. She sees her son there, covered head to toe in shit and she knows immediately this moment could change his life for the worse. She tells her husband who is still laughing hysterically at the stuation that she wants a divorce, grabs her kid and rushes straight of to a Professional-Shit-Yeast-Crap-Help Office to start on removing as much of that shit as they can as soon as possible.

See, at the PSYCH office, they have basins and sinks and flanels, and they have these really cool little lasers which they use to shrink the individual shit particles.

Unfortunately they can’t get all the shit off you quickly, or easily, and it’s really expensive, but it’s either that or be left spending the rest of your life trying to convince yourself and everyone around you that you’re not covered in shit.

Back to the theory

So, that short story is my way of explaining how i think Shit Psychology works. People with emotional problems tend to be more willing to ignore the emotional problems of the people in their lives and it’s very difficult to be surrounded by people with emotional problems and not end up being affected by those people.

A lot of people who experience difficult circumstances try to ignore away the impact, but that just doesn’t work. All it does is bring into contact with people who are busy trying to ignore their own shit and all sorts of chaos comes from that.

Like in the story, most of the shit we get on us is not even our fault, it’s the result of other people dumping their shit on us.

There’s no point pretending that you don’t have shit to deal with. If you do, your best course of action is to go to the pople who are trained in helping you clean your shit off. Therapists and Psychologists are there specifically to help people get rid of their shit and in doing so, help give people their best chance at happiness.

Massive douche tip: Got shit to deal with? Go to the professional shit removers.

Be unlike Donald Trump

Donald Trump says things like:

“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.”


“Our great African American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!”


Laziness is a trait in the blacks. … Black guys counting my money! I hate it.


“The only kind of people I want counting my money are little short guys that wear yamakas every day.”


“I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me —and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”


“He’s not a war hero. He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured, OK, I hate to tell you.”

Massive douche tip: Don’t be like Donald Trump, and please, for the love of all that is good and pure, don’t vote for him.

Take it up with the CEO

In case you weren’t aware, Chick-fil-A, a fast food chain in America, had been channeling donations to organisations which staunchly opposed same sex marriage. The CEO of Chick-fil-A, Dan T Cathy, publicly stated, and I’m paraphrasing here, that marriage should be between a man and a woman, because that’s what the bible says, and that his family owned company would continue to donate to ‘anti-gay’ organisations in the future.

I don’t like Dan T Cathy’s take on things, but there was a massive negative financial impact on his company after those statements anyway, and they have since changed their view and stopped donating to anti-gay organisations. They basically had to because people started boycotting the chain completely, which is a damned good way to say “Fuck You” to a business because it speaks the one language all businesses understand, reduced profits.

Like I said, I don’t like Dan T Cathy’s take, and donating to anti-gay organisations would certainly put him in my personal massive douche list, but I’d add this following guy to that list as well:

Seriously, dude. I don’t care if you’re gay or straight, or what cause you’re fighting for, don’t bully someone who’s just trying to do their job. That’s just massive douche behaviour. I bet if you knew what your company’s CEO thought about everything there’d be a whole bunch of shit you don’t agree with.

If you’ve got a problem with a company, stop buying their shit or take up with the CEO.

Massive douche tip: You don’t make things better by being a massive douche to people who have no power to change what you don’t like.

Martin Shkreli

If you haven’t heard of Martin Shkreli, you’re about to feel a bit worse about the world. I could ramble on about it, but I’ll let the videos do the explaining instead.

Why people hate Martin Shkreli


To sum it up, Martin Shkreli is trying to convince us all that it’s totally fine to price gouge medications that are essential for keeping people alive. He continues to dispute the moral outrage that he’s triggered by doing this in every interview about the subject, and then he suggests that a 5000% price increase was not enough.

In fairness to Shkreli, business is business. As revolting an explanation as that may be to explain to a person who is now dying because they cannot afford the pills they need, at least there’s some heartless but factual rationale to it. Shkreli’s next move however, has no such explanation. It is purely an effort to offend people, something that Shkreli seems to enjoy.

As you might have noticed, many of the people in the videos above refer to Martin Shkreli as a douchebag, a scumbag, and “The most hated CEO in America”, among other derisive descriptions and titles. There’s a reason for this, and if you haven’t figured it out yet, maybe rewatch those videos above.

One of the better aspects of society is that there’s a certain level of douchiness at which the law comes after people. Luckily for us, it tends to work out that people who are being referred to as massive douchebags tend to cross legal lends sooner or later, and thus we see Martin Shkreli being arrested for securities fraud.

Sadly it would appear that the guy who spent $2,000,000 to buy an album just to rub it in the faces of the rest of the people who can’t do so, had enough money up his sleeve to post bail, but it’s surely only a matter of time before Martin Shkreli is behind bars. It’s not nice to wish illness upon people but I have to admit I’d get experience schadenfreude if he were to happen to contract an HIV down the line.

Massive douche tip: Don’t be like Martin Shkreli.

Do not drug and rape women while criticizing the behaviour of others

Alright, drugging people against their knowledge, that’s massively douchey. Raping people, that’s super fucked up. Either of those alone is enough to rank you as a massive douche in my book, to do both in combination while pretending to be a good family man and all round nice guy and pointing the finger at others for having flaws is about the most massively douchey thing I’ve ever heard.

Surely by now everyone has heard of the accusations against Bill Cosby. Here’s Hannibal Buress to catch you up if you’re somehow out of the loop.

The allegation that Cosby had drugged and raped young women was not new, but Buress calling it out in front of so many people triggered a massive new wave of interest and new allegations began to arise.

It turns out that the accusations were far more numerous than anyone could have predicted at the time. At this point, no less than 45 women have accused Bill Cosby of rape.


Can you imaging just how much of a douche you must have been to even just be accused of raping 45 women? And if you were accused of raping 45 women, don’t you think you’d have a better response than this?

Of course, Bill Cosby believes he’s untouchable, and suggested that his media team try to help him get past all these annoying rape accusations by getting those internet people to make funny memes about him. The thing is, the people of the internet are very good at making fun of things and, strangely enough, seem to fucking hate serial rapists that spent their whole careers pretending to be clean cut, father figures. And that’s how you end up with these:


At this stage, even Cosby’s strongest defenders are starting to accept that there’s very little chance that he’s not guilty of being a serial rapists, especially because he admitted to getting drugs to use to have sex with young women.

It’s against the law for anyone to say that Cosby is definitely a rapist, because without an actual conviction for it, you can get done for libel for saying that, but when the President of the United States of America calls you out as a rapist, the rest of us feel pretty safe calling you a massive douche.

There’s so much more to say on the matter but it can all be summed up effectively with five words: Bill Cosby is a massive douche.

Massive douche tip: Just because someone cannot stop you raping them doesn’t mean they consented to your sexual advances, you sick, creepy looking, dead eyed monster.

Another reason not to hit a woman

I was told constantly while I was growing up that you should never hit a woman. Quite frankly I don’t see a lot of reason to go hitting anyone but that’s beside the point. The rule is ‘never hit a woman’ and the reasons given for this rule are usually things like men are stronger than women and women don’t know how to fend for themselves, etc etc.

Sure, those are perfectly good reasons not to hit a woman. I’d also throw in the ‘why the fuck are you hitting people?’ query but I tell you what, there’s another very, very good reason not to hit a woman, and that’s because she might kick your arse and someone might upload video of that arsekicking onto youtube, leaving you to be humiliated on a global level, for all eternity.

That’s exactly what happened to this guy when he tried to beat a hooker in an Iraqi brothel.

That’s some beautiful justice porn right there. What a massive douche! And she annihilates him! Then he goes back for more after taking off his fancy scarf and she throws him around like a bloody ragdoll. It’s bloody beautiful!

Massive douche tip: Don’t hit girls and don’t forget that sometimes girls will hit you right the fuck back.