If you don’t control your kids, they’re going to piss people off. When they piss people off, they’re going to get told off by other people. Don’t blame the people who are forced to tell your kids off, they’re only doing it because you didn’t live up to your responsibilities.
Massive douche tip: If your kids negatively affect other people, it’s going to end up negatively affecting you.
Be nice to your sick friends. Don’t be like this guy’s “friend”…
Massive douche tip: never loot your friend’s home.
This video is titled “Psycho Girlfriend Breaks iPad” but it should be titled “Massive douche drives girlfriend crazy with his douchebaggery”.
There’s something not right with the whole dynamic of this group of people. For starters, who sneaks in to video a fight between a boyfriend and girlfriend? What sort of guy sits there sending messages about how controlling and manipulative his girlfriend is while she’s trying to get him to stop focusing on his device long enough for them to go out on a date or have an uninterrupted conversation? A massive douche, that’s who.
I really feel for the woman in this video. It’s obvious that her boyfriend’s not been giving his devices and computer games attention over her for a long time. Unfortunately for her, we see the fallout of all that built up frustration and annoyance burst out in the few seconds it takes her to destroy his iPad. She obviously shouldn’t have smashed the iPad but I don’t think it ranks her as a crazy bitch, I think it shows just how infuriated she is with her boyfriend’s ridiculous behaviour.
His smug, douchebag smile doesn’t help.
Massive douche tip: Never clap at someone and tell them to calm down when they’re already furious at you.
Massive douche tip: be nice to your family.
I struggle to understand that there are people who need to be told not to knowingly spread STDs, but apparently that’s the world we live in. It’s bad enough to spread STDs without knowing it but to do it when you know ahead of time that you’re infected?
If you do this, you are a massive douche.
How might you avoid this situation? How about by using condoms and getting STD checks, and when those checks come back positive for an STD, DON’T HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE!
Massive douche tip: Sexually Transmitted Diseases are diseases which are transmitted sexually, so don’t have sex with people while you are infected with one.
A quick and easy way to make sure everyone thinks you’re a massive douche is to be a bad winner. Being a bad sport shows everyone there that you care more about being first than you do about enjoying the competition, so don’t do that.
If you win at something, you deserve to be happy about it, and celebrate it, but gloating and insulting your fellow competitors is a straight up massive douche move.
The following image sums up it up:
The kid in the picture is winning this race and usually people would be happy for him, but he’s displaying such bad sportsmanship that we’d all rather see him fall flat on his face.
Take a look at the other kids in the race. The majority of them look like they’re far less fit than the kid in the lead. That’s a pretty common thing for bad winners. They’re usually the big fish in the little pond; the shark in with the goldfish so to speak. It’s always fun to see them put into the mix with competitors of their own level and watch them struggle and fall into tantrums upon realising they’re not as outstanding as they previously thought.
Remember just how douchey this kid looks the next time you find yourself about to claim victory, and choose a less dickhead-like reaction as you cross the line.
Massive douche tip: Win or lose, have some dignity about it.
Sarah Silverman is friggin hilarious, and damned smart, and I guess that’s how she figured out a great way to comment on the rape debate in a way that points out the douchebaggery involved in the male side of things. She did so by posting this:
It reads:
- Don’t put drugs in women’s drinks.
- When you see a woman walking by herself, leave her along.
- If you pull over to help a woman whose car has broken down, remember not to rape her.
- If you are in an elevator and a woman gets in, don’t rape her.
- When you encounter a woman who is asleep, the safest course of action is to not rape her.
- Never creep into a woman’s home through an unlocked door or window, or spring out at her from between parked cars, or rape her.
- Remember, people go to the laundry room to do their laundry. Do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.
- Use the Buddy System! If it is inconvenient for you to stop yourself from raping women, as a trusted friend to accompany you at all times.
- Carry a rape whistle. If you find that you are about to rape someone, blow the whistle until someone comes to stop you.
- Don’t forget: Honesty is the best policy. When asking a woman out on a date, don’t pretend that you are interested in her as a person; tell her straight up that you expect to be raping her later. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the woman may take it as a sign that you do not plan to rape her.
– Sarah Silverman (via her Twitter)
Massive douche tip: Like Sarah says, don’t rape anybody!
In today’s How Not to be a Massive Douche, we see 3 losers versus 1 guy.
In this video, 3 idiots take on one guy. Amusingly, they do so one at a time just like in a classic martial arts movie, and just like in those classic martial arts films our hero makes his multitude of attackers look like fools who have no idea how to fight.
Now, the first two dickheads are cleanly beaten by our hero and, to their credit (sort of), they realise they’ve lost and back out. But douchebag #3 is a rung above the other two. He’s both worse at fighting and worse at being beaten than his two idiot mates. He proves that he’s a worse fighter by bloodying his face up on the fists of a guy who’s just fairly beaten two other guys, and he proves he’s a worse loser by actually spitting at the guy who has just beaten him, after also beating two of his mates.
Spitting at someone is such a low act. It’s the behaviour of a massive douche.
That third guy should never have even gotten into the fight. At best he might have beaten the guy who was tired from fighting his other two friends already, so it’s not much of a win. At worst, just like what happened in the video, he’d be humiliated by a guy who has just fought two guys one after the other and should be easily beatable by a ‘fresh’ fighter. Neither way does #3 guy come out looking good. Like I said, he should have stayed out of it because now we’ve all seen how much of a shitty fighter, and massive douche, he really is.
Massive douche tip: Never, ever spit on someone.
Don’t act like the guy with all the tattoos.
Massive douche tip: I feel like I’ve said this before, but don’t be disrespectful to MMA fighters, even if you are one.
Wait your fucking turn or you might just get maced in the face.
Yeah, she shouldn’t have maced him but let’s face it, if you had mace on you and you were dealing with this massive douche, you wouldn’t have been able to resist using it either.
Massive douche tip: Nobody likes a queue jumper.