Control your kids

If you don’t control your kids, they’re going to piss people off. When they piss people off, they’re going to get told off by other people. Don’t blame the people who are forced to tell your kids off, they’re only doing it because you didn’t live up to your responsibilities.

Control your kidsMassive douche tip: If your kids negatively affect other people, it’s going to end up negatively affecting you.

Massive douche drives girlfriend crazy

This video is titled “Psycho Girlfriend Breaks iPad” but it should be titled “Massive douche drives girlfriend crazy with his douchebaggery”.

There’s something not right with the whole dynamic of this group of people. For starters, who sneaks in to video a fight between a boyfriend and girlfriend? What sort of guy sits there sending messages about how controlling and manipulative his girlfriend is while she’s trying to get him to stop focusing on his device long enough for them to go out on a date or have an uninterrupted conversation? A massive douche, that’s who.

I really feel for the woman in this video. It’s obvious that her boyfriend’s not been giving his devices and computer games attention over her for a long time. Unfortunately for her, we see the fallout of all that built up frustration and annoyance burst out in the few seconds it takes her to destroy his iPad. She obviously shouldn’t have smashed the iPad but I don’t think it ranks her as a crazy bitch, I think it shows just how infuriated she is with her boyfriend’s ridiculous behaviour.

His smug, douchebag smile doesn’t help.

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The smug smile doesn’t help.
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The “What did I do” expression is a great way to insult the person talking to you.
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The antlers behind him is just bad luck, but the pointing with the you’re being a naughty child eyes is all on him.


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He actually claps at his furious girlfriend in an effort to calm her down. This is so condescending, I’m not surprised by what it leads her to.
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The sight of his destroyed iPad leads to the Rocket Man pose of fury. At no point does he connect the dots between what she’s saying and how his dismissing it is only making the situation worse.
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Then he throws the head turn of rage at her to show her just how angry he is about the broken iPad and how his wallet suffered to make the purchase of said device. Aggressive posing at your girlfriend is way uncool and definitely in douche bag territory.



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After smashing his iPad in a rage because it’s the only way she could get him to listen to her, he claps at her again and tries to convince her that she’s lost control of her emotions. Sure she went too far but his clapping at her is just as silly. He still refuses to actually listen to what she’s saying and instead tries to clap her into submission.
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Look at the body language. He saying I’m angry that you broke my toy, and she’s saying give me something here, please?! She’s practically begging him to stop blocking out what she’s saying and he’s still only focused on his iPad and looking at her as the criminal who destroyed it.


Massive douche tip: Never clap at someone and tell them to calm down when they’re already furious at you.


Do not knowingly spread STDs

I struggle to understand that there are people who need to be told not to knowingly spread STDs, but apparently that’s the world we live in. It’s bad enough to spread STDs without knowing it but to do it when you know ahead of time that you’re infected?


If you do this, you are a massive douche.

How might you avoid this situation? How about by using condoms and getting STD checks, and when those checks come back positive for an STD, DON’T HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE!

Massive douche tip: Sexually Transmitted Diseases are diseases which are transmitted sexually, so don’t have sex with people while you are infected with one.

Don’t be a bad winner

A quick and easy way to make sure everyone thinks you’re a massive douche is to be a bad winner. Being a bad sport shows everyone there that you care more about being first than you do about enjoying the competition, so don’t do that.

If you win at something, you deserve to be happy about it, and celebrate it, but gloating and insulting your fellow competitors is a straight up massive douche move.

The following image sums up it up:

Winner of biggest douche in the race.
Winner of biggest douche in the race.

The kid in the picture is winning this race and usually people would be happy for him, but he’s displaying such bad sportsmanship that we’d all rather see him fall flat on his face.

Take a look at the other kids in the race. The majority of them look like they’re far less fit than the kid in the lead. That’s a pretty common thing for bad winners. They’re usually the big fish in the little pond; the shark in with the goldfish so to speak. It’s always fun to see them put into the mix with competitors of their own level and watch them struggle and fall into tantrums upon realising they’re not as outstanding as they previously thought.

Remember just how douchey this kid looks the next time you find yourself about to claim victory, and choose a less dickhead-like reaction as you cross the line.

Massive douche tip: Win or lose, have some dignity about it.

How not to rape

Sarah Silverman is friggin hilarious, and damned smart, and I guess that’s how she figured out a great way to comment on the rape debate in a way that points out the douchebaggery involved in the male side of things. She did so by posting this:


It reads:

  1. Don’t put drugs in women’s drinks.
  2. When you see a woman walking by herself, leave her along.
  3. If you pull over to help a woman whose car has broken down, remember not to rape her.
  4. If you are in an elevator and a woman gets in, don’t rape her.
  5. When you encounter a woman who is asleep, the safest course of action is to not rape her.
  6. Never creep into a woman’s home through an unlocked door or window, or spring out at her from between parked cars, or rape her.
  7. Remember, people go to the laundry room to do their laundry. Do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.
  8. Use the Buddy System! If it is inconvenient for you to stop yourself from raping women, as a trusted friend to accompany you at all times.
  9. Carry a rape whistle. If you find that you are about to rape someone, blow the whistle until someone comes to stop you.
  10. Don’t forget: Honesty is the best policy. When asking a woman out on a date, don’t pretend that you are interested in her as a person; tell her straight up that you expect to be raping her later. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the woman may take it as a sign that you do not plan to rape her.

Sarah Silverman (via her Twitter)

Massive douche tip: Like Sarah says, don’t rape anybody!

3 losers versus 1 guy

In today’s How Not to be a Massive Douche, we see 3 losers versus 1 guy.

In this video, 3 idiots take on one guy. Amusingly, they do so one at a time just like in a classic martial arts movie, and just like in those classic martial arts films our hero makes his multitude of attackers look like fools who have no idea how to fight.

Now, the first two dickheads are cleanly beaten by our hero and, to their credit (sort of), they realise they’ve lost and back out. But douchebag #3 is a rung above the other two. He’s both worse at fighting and worse at being beaten than his two idiot mates. He proves that he’s a worse fighter by bloodying his face up on the fists of a guy who’s just fairly beaten two other guys, and he proves he’s a worse loser by actually spitting at the guy who has just beaten him, after also beating two of his mates.

Spitting at someone is such a low act. It’s the behaviour of a massive douche.

That third guy should never have even gotten into the fight. At best he might have beaten the guy who was tired from fighting his other two friends already, so it’s not much of a win. At worst, just like what happened in the video, he’d be humiliated by a guy who has just fought two guys one after the other and should be easily beatable by a ‘fresh’ fighter. Neither way does #3 guy come out looking good. Like I said, he should have stayed out of it because now we’ve all seen how much of a shitty fighter, and massive douche, he really is.

Massive douche tip: Never, ever spit on someone.