Fellas, this one’s about sex and about how you’re probably way worse at it than you realise. Louis C.K. is going to teach you a few things here, try to take them on board.

Louis starts off by talking about what it’s like to be a man. He mentions that we’re trapped in the prison of perversion and let’s face it, he’s on the money. Thing is, Louis is not a massive douche. Louis knows that the sexual thoughts he has are part of the primitive animal that we all lug around inside us as we go about our day and that just because those thoughts are there, doesn’t mean you’re allowed to act on them. In fact, if you act on any of those thoughts towards woman who aren’t interest in you, you’re pretty much always being a massive douche, so keep that sort of shit to when you’re watching porn in private or when you’re with your significant other in an appropriate environment for that sort of thing.

Later on, Louis talks about the eternal issue of men thinking women are clingy after sex. Louis has picked up some wisdom over the years though, and he shares it with the rest of us here. He points out that if the woman you’re with is super cuddly and clingy after sex it’s because you’ve finally gotten her interested in the idea of sex, and then you’ve blown your load and decided the whole thing is done with. In the meantime, she’s actually horny now and your self-centred sexual efforts only included you getting off, so she’s mega unsatisfied. It’s a bit like when you’re not hungry but then you smell or see something that’d be really tasty and all of a sudden you’re starving… and then whoever has the food says you can’t have any now! Fuck that! That’s just cruel and that’s what you’re doing to your woman by not focusing a bit of attention on making sure she gets as much out of sexy times as you do.

At the end there, Louis mentions that if you’ve fucked your woman properly, she won’t be clingy or talkative or any of the other bullshit things guys complain about after sex. If you actually do a good job of satisfying the lady, she’ll hardly be able to keep her eyes open! She’ll hardly be able to talk!! She’ll be off in another world, swimming through glorious sensations of ecstasy and tingling with positive feelings towards you. And you know what? The next time you try to initiate some bedroom antics with her, she’ll be way easier to convince because she’ll actually get something out of it.

Women are not talking vaginas, lads! They are human beings. They are sexual human beings! They want to get down and do a lot of the same dirty, naughty, filthy shit that you want to. They just don’t want to be treated like a human flesh-light. They just want to enjoy the experience with someone that gives a shit if they cum or not.

So don’t be a massive douche, learn how to pleasure a woman. Learn how to make her legs shake. Learn how to induce the sort of orgasm that puts her on another planet for half an hour. If you do that, you’ll get more sex and you’ll enjoy it more yourself. She’ll even tell her friends, which is handy in the sad event of a break-up because the single girls around you might have already heard that you know how blow a girl’s mind when you take her into bed-shake alley.

My advice to you is, first learn how to make a woman cum with either your fingers or your tongue (preferably both), second, if it’s not just a quickie, you make sure you make her cum before you even start throwing your hips back and forth like a retarded monkey. There are few things that put a woman in a good mood better than an orgasm. Remember that.

Massive douche tip: Fuck her like you want her to cum and come back for more later.