Don’t listen to guys who tell you to choke strangers

Ever heard of Julien Blanc? I hope not.

Julien Blanc is a guy with a lot of confidence who has found a way to interact with women without being afraid of them. That is a useful skill to have and he claims to be so good at interacting with women that he can teach other guys how to do it and what it is they’re doing wrong.

None of that sounds so bad, right? I mean, there are plenty of guys out there who want to meet women but can’t, and those guys should be able to get help with that. I have no issue with that but I do have an issue with Julien Blanc and anyone else who goes around teaching guys to not respect women. Want to know a secret, fellas? You can attract women without being a massive douche!

You don’t have to be a disrespectful dickhead to get women. You don’t have to manipulate them. You don’t have to treat them like roaming bags of holes that are available for you to fill until you’re sick of them and then discard. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you anything about how to manipulate women into being attracted to you. The people who do that are preying on the innate instincts and insecurities that we all have and they aren’t the sort of people you find in long, loving relationships with beautiful, intelligent women. They’re usually the sorts of guys who are more than happy to lie to girls, mislead them, pour alcohol into them, or whatever else it takes to get to have access to their fun bits. That’s just flat-out shitty behaviour.

Julien Blanc is one of those sorts of guys. Let me give you an example of his way of thinking.

http://youtu.be/grV1iDns87s

Like I said, being able to meet women is great, but being a complete douche about it is not. To have the confidence to go up to any woman you want is one thing, but to have the arrogance to think that doing whatever you want to women you don’t know has gotta be a sign of a potential mental health issue.

What Julien McDouche here has figured out, is that women often respond positively to dominant behaviour. What he hasn’t figured out is that there are acceptable ways to act like a caveman and do your primative dominance displays and there are ways that will get you put in prison.

There are usually two reasons guys are out trying to pick up women:

  1. To get laid
  2. To find a potential girlfriend

If you’re just trying to get laid, go out to nightclubs where women are dancing their butts off and dance with them. If you dance with enough women and a do a good enough job dancing, you’ll get laid. Guaranteed.

If you’re looking for a girlfriend, go out and do the things you like to do. Talk with the people who are there and sooner or later you’ll find a girl with similar interests that you like to talk to. Then you’ve gotta ask her out. If she says no, don’t sweat it, find another girl and repeat the process until you find a girl you like, who likes you back.

In either scenario, don’t listen to a guy like Julien Chokesalot. Shit, Australia is doing its level best to kick the guy out of the country. That’s right, the country founded and built by convicted criminals has looked at Julien Blanc and said “This guy is a real piece of shit”.

Massive douche tip: If you need to incorporate choking into your efforts to pick up women, you’re doing something wrong.

Do not spit at people

Don’t spit at people. Definitely don’t spit at people and try to walk away like you think you’re some kind of boss. Absolutely don’t spit at people, try to walk away like you’re some kind of boss and then fall into a big pool of vomit, or you’ll really come across as a massive douche.

Massive douche tip: Don’t tempt karma

Welfare

It’s wonderful to have love for your children and it’s very important to let your kids know how much you love them, but for the love of Christ, please don’t get a tattoo of your child on your face.
IMG_2790.PNG

There are many reasons not to do this. One reason is that your kid is going to grow up getting bullied mercilessly about the fact that his dad is a moron with a tattoo of him on his face.

Another good reason is that while your child is growing up, they’re going to do stupid and mean shit. Think about it, when your kid is having a teenage tantrum and yelling at you about how much he hates you, you’re gonna be stating back at him feeling like a complete knob for thinking it was a good idea to celebrate your love for that little shit in such a public way.

Yet another good reason not to do this is the point made by the commenter in the picture who points out that having a massive tattoo on your face is going to make it more difficult to find work and WELFARE wasn’t intended for helping out people who intentionally ruin their opportunities to find work.

The guy in this picture is a massive douche, pure and simple.

Honour your responsibilities

There are certain responsibilities we all have in life and there are additional responsibilities that we choose to adopt. These responsibilities are not optional, that’s why they’re called responsibilities. One of those additional responsibilities is fatherhood. As a man, you didn’t just accidentally shoot your man goo into a woman, there were decisions made in the lead up to that act. You chose to have sex with that woman and you chose to pump your baby batter into her baby maker.

It’s true, there are women out there who use nefarious methods to capture the semen of a man and use it to bare his progeny but we all know that’s not the standard (if you want to read more about these sorts of women, check out hownottobeacrazybitch.com). The standard practice that leads to a child being born is that two people get together, bump uglies until it’s splurty time and, nine months later, you’ve got yourself a newborn.

Once that newborn is on the scene, the bullshit has to stop. That kid doesn’t give two shits if your life is difficult and you don’t feel like you’re ready. That kid doesn’t even give a shit if you’ve been a massive douche your whole life up until the point said kid was born. The only thing that kid cares about is having a father who owns up to the responsibilities of being a father.

This video is from a corny 90s sitcom but this particular scene disturbingly accurately conveys the feelings of a young man who’s grown up without his father around.

I know that’s just a snippet from a TV show but it really cuts to the heart of the matter. To leave a kid behind is to forever make them feel unwanted. It is to leave them with a time-bomb of emotional turmoil that might explode later in life, triggered by a seemingly unrelated incident. It is right up there with the most selfish things a person can do to another human being.

Please don’t abandon your children. They deserve the very best you can do for them and they’ll love you no matter how many mistakes you make, so long as you stick around.

Massive douche tip: Own up to your responsibilities.

Reduce your resemblance to apes

Be less like this guy

I mentioned in a previous post that there are major similarities between humans and other primates, like apes and chimps, when it comes to posturing before, during, and after getting into fights. When I stumbled onto the following video, I was quickly reminded of the comparison.

http://youtu.be/tONRyyj2flo

Dude, if you’re drunk in the middle of a street in the middle of the night and you’re screaming and ranting and threatening other people, you’re going to come off as a massive douche. It doesn’t even matter if you win or lose the fight, either. If you’re getting into street fights, you’re acting about as intelligently as an ape. Unfortunately for some, they’ll be caught on video doing this stuff and it’ll make it’s way onto the internet to be stored for all time.

Massive douche tip: The best way to ensure that your great grandchildren don’t someday find a video of you acting like a caveman is to not go around acting like a caveman.

 

Don’t grab a person’s phone

http://youtu.be/QYYRUQyfhLk

If you’re willing to risk your life for attention on the internet, you are a massive douche. While someone you’ve just ‘pranked’ slips into a blind rage and pummels your skull until it shatters, do you really want your last words to be “It was a prank.”?

Massive douche tip: Do unto others as if they all have guns.

Do not terrify your girlfriend for your own amusement

This video has taken on a life of its own on the internet in the past few days. There’s good reason for it, too because this is an example of possibly the most douchey thing I’ve seen a human being do for quite a while. Check it out:

http://youtu.be/kAPT72Mzt2c

I was a young bloke once. I too had ridiculous ideas that I wanted to live out. I drove too fast on the road, I did burnouts, I even lost my license for dangerous driving after I did a 200 metre burnout up and down my street in the middle of the night. Indeed, I was acting like a massive douche. It might be more accurate to say that I actually was a massive douche. At least I grew up a bit and realised the only place that you can do things like that even remotely safely is at a racetrack, so off I went and started participating in motorsport proper. The bloke driving in that video though, somehow managed to make a racetrack more dangerous than they already are!

It was a huge thrill for me to drive on the same track that I’d seen my heroes drive on and yet, even at my absolute most ridiculous I would never have been so out of touch with reality to think it a good idea to drive out onto a track during a live race, let alone in my girlfriend’s car. It is incomprehensible to do so with her in the car but to do it with her screaming her lungs out that she wants me to stop, I just can’t make sense of what could possibly make a person not recognise that right up there with looking down the barrel of a loaded gun.

This is how it looked from the spectators’ perspective:

http://youtu.be/SjEFAfz6-AY

Now, let me remind you what occasionally happens to fully prepared race cars complete with roll-cages and all the other safety devices in place:

And a few more examples:

Clearly, motorsport is very dangerous. No wonder this guy’s poor girlfriend was hysterical. She was being taken out onto a live racetrack against her will. The best case scenario would be that her, her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s mates would be arrested immediately afterwards. Luckily, that’s what happened and it’s a shit-tonne better than her car being written off, or all four of them dying at the hands of some poor bloke who’s wasn’t expecting to have to navigate around a non-competitor driving significantly slower than the other cars.

We hear this poor lass repeatedly tell her boyfriend Jack to stop. She pleads with him to get off the track or to do anything to get her out of the situation he has imposed on her but Jack doesn’t give two shits about her desperate, teary begging, he just carries on being the massive douche that he is.

After the incident the race was stopped. I mean, of course it was bloody stopped. The really shitty thing is that each of the participants in the race had paid about £4000 each to take part in that race. Jack the mega-douch wasted the time, effort and money each of these people had poured into this race all for a minute or two of his own amusement while ensuring his girlfriend will have a story to tell her therapist for the rest of her days. What a fucking nimrod.

After Jack was taken into custody he appeared to have zero regrets. He actually told the police “hey, you only live once”. That’s true, you do only live once. The fact that all the drivers from the race are shaping up to unleash a class action lawsuit against Jack for the £4000 entry fee they each paid, which will total well over £100,000 means that Jack is likely to be paying that off for the rest of his one and only life, and all for a few minutes of revealing to the world just how much of a douchebag he really is.

Massive douche tips:

  • If you’re driving someone else’s car and they tell you to stop, you stop.
  • If you’re doing something that is making your girlfriend fear for her life and she says stop, you stop.
  • If you want to race with the big boys, pay the entry fee and leave your mates out of the car.
  • If you don’t want to be viewed as a complete moron by the majority of the world, don’t listen to that voice in your head that tells you to do stupid shit.

Jack, you’re a fucking idiot.

Tit for tat during sexy time

Fellas, this one’s about sex and about how you’re probably way worse at it than you realise. Louis C.K. is going to teach you a few things here, try to take them on board.

Louis starts off by talking about what it’s like to be a man. He mentions that we’re trapped in the prison of perversion and let’s face it, he’s on the money. Thing is, Louis is not a massive douche. Louis knows that the sexual thoughts he has are part of the primitive animal that we all lug around inside us as we go about our day and that just because those thoughts are there, doesn’t mean you’re allowed to act on them. In fact, if you act on any of those thoughts towards woman who aren’t interest in you, you’re pretty much always being a massive douche, so keep that sort of shit to when you’re watching porn in private or when you’re with your significant other in an appropriate environment for that sort of thing.

Later on, Louis talks about the eternal issue of men thinking women are clingy after sex. Louis has picked up some wisdom over the years though, and he shares it with the rest of us here. He points out that if the woman you’re with is super cuddly and clingy after sex it’s because you’ve finally gotten her interested in the idea of sex, and then you’ve blown your load and decided the whole thing is done with. In the meantime, she’s actually horny now and your self-centred sexual efforts only included you getting off, so she’s mega unsatisfied. It’s a bit like when you’re not hungry but then you smell or see something that’d be really tasty and all of a sudden you’re starving… and then whoever has the food says you can’t have any now! Fuck that! That’s just cruel and that’s what you’re doing to your woman by not focusing a bit of attention on making sure she gets as much out of sexy times as you do.

At the end there, Louis mentions that if you’ve fucked your woman properly, she won’t be clingy or talkative or any of the other bullshit things guys complain about after sex. If you actually do a good job of satisfying the lady, she’ll hardly be able to keep her eyes open! She’ll hardly be able to talk!! She’ll be off in another world, swimming through glorious sensations of ecstasy and tingling with positive feelings towards you. And you know what? The next time you try to initiate some bedroom antics with her, she’ll be way easier to convince because she’ll actually get something out of it.

Women are not talking vaginas, lads! They are human beings. They are sexual human beings! They want to get down and do a lot of the same dirty, naughty, filthy shit that you want to. They just don’t want to be treated like a human flesh-light. They just want to enjoy the experience with someone that gives a shit if they cum or not.

So don’t be a massive douche, learn how to pleasure a woman. Learn how to make her legs shake. Learn how to induce the sort of orgasm that puts her on another planet for half an hour. If you do that, you’ll get more sex and you’ll enjoy it more yourself. She’ll even tell her friends, which is handy in the sad event of a break-up because the single girls around you might have already heard that you know how blow a girl’s mind when you take her into bed-shake alley.

My advice to you is, first learn how to make a woman cum with either your fingers or your tongue (preferably both), second, if it’s not just a quickie, you make sure you make her cum before you even start throwing your hips back and forth like a retarded monkey. There are few things that put a woman in a good mood better than an orgasm. Remember that.

Massive douche tip: Fuck her like you want her to cum and come back for more later.